June Edition of the Greener Pastures Newsletter

Welcome to June (and nearly Summer) with another installment of the Greener Pastures Newsletter. We’re writing this edition camped out in front of our AC and our box fans to beat the heat, so why don’t you grab yourself a frozen treat and let’s dig in!

Rejectjaw was Awesome

We received many excellent entries for our first ever Rejectjaw competition, proving that comedy is subjective and every piece will eventually find its perfect home.

Many of our readers agreed that Tracy Grathwohl’s piece “Turning Into An Ogre At Sunset, And Other Things No One Told Me About Menopause” was not only hilarious, but…


The Greener Pastures May Newsletter

Welcome to May, with another installment of the Greener Pastures Newsletter. Hopefully May the 4th was with you, and even if it wasn’t, we think you’re awesome.

Most Viewed Comedy Piece for April: ‘I have a Super Power and it’s Called Wearing Combat Boots’ by Justin Avery Smith

The Greener Pastures Editors understand how transformative a good pair of footwear can be. We’ve been wearing our bunny slippers since March 2020 and it’s done wonders for adding a little pep to our step. Nearly six thousand readers agreed that what we all need in life is awesome footwear. We asked Justin Avery Smith to walk (ha!) us through the idea for his Combat Boots piece and his process.

“In many of…


Greener Pastures’ April Newsletter

“Scientists recently discovered the world’s first diabetic polar bear, who was quoted saying, “DAMN YOU, COCA COLA!”’ — Kegan Witzki

March was supposed to come in like a lion and out like a lamb, but it behaved more like a frat boy on break, and the Greener Pastures’ writers helped us laugh at the shenanigans. Need help laughing at the wild animals in your basement? What was up with all those doctors freaking out about donuts? How about we forget about all that and look at some creative writing prompts for parents stuck managing online school? We got you covered.


Greener Pastures’ March Newsletter

“My calendar is full of coupons. Sometimes I lose entire days cutting them.” — by Brian Gutierrez, February’s contest winner

Welcome to the second instalment of the GP newsletter! We’re as pleased as a park full of plastered parakeets to have you as a reader or writer. We have lots of exciting news and invites for you!

Greener Pastures is Launching a Podcast

And we’re inviting YOU to our podcast house party. The first episode drops March 15th. The podcast is a mix of interviews, writer’s tips, and rampant GP frivolity. Pour a beverage, put your feet up, and have a listen.

Come To Our Second Pitch Party

We had so much…


The GP February Newsletter

Welcome to issue 1 of the Greener Pastures newsletter! This is a special month (and not just because of all the candy going on clearance on the 15th). February is our magazine’s six month anniversary! We’re as pleased as a dachshund with a new squeak toy at all the writers and readers coming over for a visit to our pasture.

But enough about us — let’s talk about what we’re giving you in these monthly newsletters. Each issue will contain behind the scenes info on the most popular cartoons and comedy pieces from the month before.


Someday they won’t want stuffies and I’ll be sorry

It’s almost time for Family Party — otherwise known as my wedding anniversary — and my son Xavier would like: a VR headset, a live pig, and an additional member of the ‘Otoro’ family. A few years ago, I crocheted a stuffed Totoro for him, followed the next year by a smaller version we dubbed Motoro.

We’re driving home from the kids’ school in early November, trundling sedately over speed bumps in our Honda. Bare maple trees reach for grey sky on either side of the narrow residential street.

“You know, Mom,” Xavier says, “You didn’t knit me any Otoros…


Humor

Like, ever.

I remember when we stopped lockdown the first time

Saying, “This is it, it’s under control,” ’cause like

We hadn’t seen each other in a month

When you said you needed sushi. (What?)

Then you come around again and say

“Baby, I miss you and I swear I’ll wear a mask, trust me.”

Remember how that lasted for a day?

I say, “You’re foolish,” we distanced, you called me, “I’ll meet you.”

Ooh, we cancelled dinner again last night

And ooh, this time I’m telling you, I’m telling you

We are never meeting before two shots of the vaccine,

We…


We’ll start reading again January 4th

Dauchshund lays in bed with cucumbers on its eyes. Text says Reading break December 21 — January 4 see you in 2021.
Dauchshund lays in bed with cucumbers on its eyes. Text says Reading break December 21 — January 4 see you in 2021.

Please feel free to continue submitting your work. Starting January 4th we will read submissions in the order they came in.


Humor

Dog Columnist Answers Your Toughest Year End Questions

Dear Aggie,

I want to buy a gift for my mother’s pooch Snowball, but she has so many toys already! What do you get for the Pomeranian that has everything?

Sincerely,

Muddled in Montana

Dear Muddled,

First off, thank you for thinking of the four-footed members of your extended family. Too often we are passed over during gift-giving season despite being the Best Doggie in the Entire World. This is very doggist, and if we had opposable thumbs or credit cards, we wouldn’t stand for it. Alas.

Pomeranians are little, squeaky dogs, and they love little squeaky toys. Purchasing a…


I’m an adult rodent free to make my own decisions.

Co written with Susan Sassi

“A Minnesota woman says she accidentally got the critter sloshed.” — Ron Dicker, for Huffpost

I’ve had it up to here with you drunk shaming me on the internet! “Squirrel Gets Drunk Because He Can’t Numb the Pain with Acorns.” You think you are soooo funny, don’t you? DON’T YOU! NO! YOU can’t handle quarantine. Stop projecting on me.

Yes, I got drunk. So what. I’m an adult rodent free to make my own decisions. This backlash is just exactly the sort of misplaced, big brother-ish oversight that is ruining this nation’s youth. Our society is too damn puritan. …

Teresa Douglas

Mexican Yankee in Canada. Remote work speaker, manager. teresamdouglas.com. Book: Working Remotely: Secrets to Success for Employees on Distributed Teams

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