It’s almost time for Family Party — otherwise known as my wedding anniversary — and my son Xavier would like: a VR headset, a live pig, and an additional member of the ‘Otoro’ family. A few years ago, I crocheted a stuffed Totoro for him, followed the next year by a smaller version we dubbed Motoro.
We’re driving home from the kids’ school in early November, trundling sedately over speed bumps in our Honda. Bare maple trees reach for grey sky on either side of the narrow residential street.
“You know, Mom,” Xavier says, “You didn’t knit me any Otoros last year, even though I asked for one.” …
I remember when we stopped lockdown the first time
Saying, “This is it, it’s under control,” ’cause like
We hadn’t seen each other in a month
When you said you needed sushi. (What?)
Then you come around again and say
“Baby, I miss you and I swear I’ll wear a mask, trust me.”
Remember how that lasted for a day?
I say, “You’re foolish,” we distanced, you called me, “I’ll meet you.”
Ooh, we cancelled dinner again last night
And ooh, this time I’m telling you, I’m telling you
We are never meeting before two shots of the vaccine,
We are never meeting before two shots of the…
I want to buy a gift for my mother’s pooch Snowball, but she has so many toys already! What do you get for the Pomeranian that has everything?
Muddled in Montana
First off, thank you for thinking of the four-footed members of your extended family. Too often we are passed over during gift-giving season despite being the Best Doggie in the Entire World. This is very doggist, and if we had opposable thumbs or credit cards, we wouldn’t stand for it. Alas.
Pomeranians are little, squeaky dogs, and they love little squeaky toys. Purchasing a few would be a safe — but not exciting — present. But I think you’re looking for something with a lot of ‘wow’ factor. In that case, get Snowball some cat poop. …
Co written with Susan Sassi
I’ve had it up to here with you drunk shaming me on the internet! “Squirrel Gets Drunk Because He Can’t Numb the Pain with Acorns.” You think you are soooo funny, don’t you? DON’T YOU! NO! YOU can’t handle quarantine. Stop projecting on me.
Yes, I got drunk. So what. I’m an adult rodent free to make my own decisions. This backlash is just exactly the sort of misplaced, big brother-ish oversight that is ruining this nation’s youth. Our society is too damn puritan. …
In 2020, everyone deserves a year-end party. But with a pandemic, restrictions on gathering, and a remote lifestyle, you might be left wondering how to organize an online party your team will enjoy. If there’s one thing 2020 has revealed to employees and managers alike, it’s that online events run better if you respect the differences that come with the digital medium. In this article, we’ll cover a few key principles for hosting excellent online parties, and end with specific suggestions on activities to incorporate into your event.
Why are you throwing this year-end party? Your online event should be structured with your purpose in mind. Do you want to give people a chance to talk in a relaxed setting? Will you hand out formal awards and recognition? Or do you simply want an opportunity to do something nice for a team that stepped up during a challenging year? …
In the days before the American election, members of NATO met to discuss what to do if Trump was reelected. The minutes from that secret meeting were accidentally released on Twitter by an intern.
Poland: Thank you for coming to this emergency meeting. This was supposed to be for members of NATO only, to discuss synchronized contingency plans in the event that Trump is reelected. I’m not sure what the rest of you are doing here.
Russia: Although we aren’t members of NATO, we felt it was important to infiltrate this meeting in order to offer our support for your anti-misinformation planning. Mother Russia would be happy to send our surplus of highly trained workers to recount votes, and to alleviate the workloads of Facebook employees. …