“Scientists recently discovered the world’s first diabetic polar bear, who was quoted saying, “DAMN YOU, COCA COLA!”’ — Kegan Witzki
March was supposed to come in like a lion and out like a lamb, but it behaved more like a frat boy on break, and the Greener Pastures’ writers helped us laugh at the shenanigans. Need help laughing at the wild animals in your basement? What was up with all those doctors freaking out about donuts? How about we forget about all that and look at some creative writing prompts for parents stuck managing online school? We got you covered.
“My calendar is full of coupons. Sometimes I lose entire days cutting them.” — by Brian Gutierrez, February’s contest winner
Welcome to the second instalment of the GP newsletter! We’re as pleased as a park full of plastered parakeets to have you as a reader or writer. We have lots of exciting news and invites for you!
And we’re inviting YOU to our podcast house party. The first episode drops March 15th. The podcast is a mix of interviews, writer’s tips, and rampant GP frivolity. Pour a beverage, put your feet up, and have a listen.
The GP February Newsletter
Welcome to issue 1 of the Greener Pastures newsletter! This is a special month (and not just because of all the candy going on clearance on the 15th). February is our magazine’s six month anniversary! We’re as pleased as a dachshund with a new squeak toy at all the writers and readers coming over for a visit to our pasture.
But enough about us — let’s talk about what we’re giving you in these monthly newsletters. Each issue will contain behind the scenes info on the most popular cartoons and comedy pieces from the month before.
It’s almost time for Family Party — otherwise known as my wedding anniversary — and my son Xavier would like: a VR headset, a live pig, and an additional member of the ‘Otoro’ family. A few years ago, I crocheted a stuffed Totoro for him, followed the next year by a smaller version we dubbed Motoro.
We’re driving home from the kids’ school in early November, trundling sedately over speed bumps in our Honda. Bare maple trees reach for grey sky on either side of the narrow residential street.
“You know, Mom,” Xavier says, “You didn’t knit me any Otoros…
I remember when we stopped lockdown the first time
Saying, “This is it, it’s under control,” ’cause like
We hadn’t seen each other in a month
When you said you needed sushi. (What?)
Then you come around again and say
“Baby, I miss you and I swear I’ll wear a mask, trust me.”
Remember how that lasted for a day?
I say, “You’re foolish,” we distanced, you called me, “I’ll meet you.”
Ooh, we cancelled dinner again last night
And ooh, this time I’m telling you, I’m telling you
We are never meeting before two shots of the vaccine,
I want to buy a gift for my mother’s pooch Snowball, but she has so many toys already! What do you get for the Pomeranian that has everything?
Muddled in Montana
First off, thank you for thinking of the four-footed members of your extended family. Too often we are passed over during gift-giving season despite being the Best Doggie in the Entire World. This is very doggist, and if we had opposable thumbs or credit cards, we wouldn’t stand for it. Alas.
Pomeranians are little, squeaky dogs, and they love little squeaky toys. Purchasing a…
Co written with Susan Sassi
I’ve had it up to here with you drunk shaming me on the internet! “Squirrel Gets Drunk Because He Can’t Numb the Pain with Acorns.” You think you are soooo funny, don’t you? DON’T YOU! NO! YOU can’t handle quarantine. Stop projecting on me.
Yes, I got drunk. So what. I’m an adult rodent free to make my own decisions. This backlash is just exactly the sort of misplaced, big brother-ish oversight that is ruining this nation’s youth. Our society is too damn puritan. …
In 2020, everyone deserves a year-end party. But with a pandemic, restrictions on gathering, and a remote lifestyle, you might be left wondering how to organize an online party your team will enjoy. If there’s one thing 2020 has revealed to employees and managers alike, it’s that online events run better if you respect the differences that come with the digital medium. In this article, we’ll cover a few key principles for hosting excellent online parties, and end with specific suggestions on activities to incorporate into your event.
Why are you throwing this year-end party? Your online event should be…