Humor

I remember when we stopped lockdown the first time

Saying, “This is it, it’s under control,” ’cause like

We hadn’t seen each other in a month

When you said you needed sushi. (What?)

Then you come around again and say

“Baby, I miss you and I swear I’ll wear a mask, trust me.”

Remember how that lasted for a day?

I say, “You’re foolish,” we distanced, you called me, “I’ll meet you.”

Ooh, we cancelled dinner again last night

And ooh, this time I’m telling you, I’m telling you

We are never meeting before two shots of the vaccine,

We are never meeting before two shots of the…

We’ll start reading again January 4th

Please feel free to continue submitting your work. Starting January 4th we will read submissions in the order they came in.

Humor

Dear Aggie,

I want to buy a gift for my mother’s pooch Snowball, but she has so many toys already! What do you get for the Pomeranian that has everything?

Sincerely,

Muddled in Montana

Dear Muddled,

First off, thank you for thinking of the four-footed members of your extended family. Too often we are passed over during gift-giving season despite being the Best Doggie in the Entire World. This is very doggist, and if we had opposable thumbs or credit cards, we wouldn’t stand for it. Alas.

Pomeranians are little, squeaky dogs, and they love little squeaky toys. Purchasing a few would be a safe — but not exciting — present. But I think you’re looking for something with a lot of ‘wow’ factor. In that case, get Snowball some cat poop. …

Co written with Susan Sassi

“A Minnesota woman says she accidentally got the critter sloshed.” — Ron Dicker, for Huffpost

I’ve had it up to here with you drunk shaming me on the internet! “Squirrel Gets Drunk Because He Can’t Numb the Pain with Acorns.” You think you are soooo funny, don’t you? DON’T YOU! NO! YOU can’t handle quarantine. Stop projecting on me.

Yes, I got drunk. So what. I’m an adult rodent free to make my own decisions. This backlash is just exactly the sort of misplaced, big brother-ish oversight that is ruining this nation’s youth. Our society is too damn puritan. …

Business

In 2020, everyone deserves a year-end party. But with a pandemic, restrictions on gathering, and a remote lifestyle, you might be left wondering how to organize an online party your team will enjoy. If there’s one thing 2020 has revealed to employees and managers alike, it’s that online events run better if you respect the differences that come with the digital medium. In this article, we’ll cover a few key principles for hosting excellent online parties, and end with specific suggestions on activities to incorporate into your event.

Make Sure Your Party Structure Dovetails with Your Party’s Purpose

Why are you throwing this year-end party? Your online event should be structured with your purpose in mind. Do you want to give people a chance to talk in a relaxed setting? Will you hand out formal awards and recognition? Or do you simply want an opportunity to do something nice for a team that stepped up during a challenging year? …

1. Does this person want to be in charge of the known world?
2. Do they try to take what they want by force?
3. Can they be accurately called Le Petit Corporal? Or at least, short stuff?
4. Do they rebel against authority?
5. Do they promise not to take your property, then snatch it as soon as your back is turned?
6. Would people willingly give them weapons?
7. Do they have an ice cream flavor named after them?
8. Are they always up for a little light looting?
9. Do you require overwhelming force to subdue them?
10. Are they violently against naps and/or bedtime?
11. Will they throw a tantrum if you tell them no? …

Humor

Written with Amy Currul, Ash Jurberg, Katherine Revelle and Susan Sassy,

1. You got it because you offered your goods on social media.
2. Famous artists throughout history have had at least one.
3. When you get it, it burns down deep
4. People treat you differently if they know you have one.
5. Your older family members don’t understand why you have so many and who are all these people that gave it to you?
6. Acquiring it from friends is super awkward.
7. The more you get, the better you feel.
8. The only way to prevent them is to stop going into the ring for another swing. …